Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Jesus Eagles and Embracing the Stained Glass


Tumblr Vandy311 has a great idea inspired by today's Grantland piece on Oregon's uniforms and their role in creating a winning identity for the Ducks. The argument from the BC faithful blogger - why stop at stained glass? The snarktastic post says let's go full board with it, billing ourselves as the Second Coming and really hammer all the details home to create the identity. Specific suggestions:

  • Change the team’s name to the Jesus Eagles and rename the field Wrath of God Stadium
  • Deck the stadium, maybe even the whole campus out in goth black mass type shit that’ll scared the fuckin’ hell out of nonbelievers (in BC football)
  • Redo the jerseys so that they drip blood.  Not look like they drip blood.  Actually drip blood.
  • Add a hand extending from the clouds chucking lightning bolts at Christian Ponder’s torched carcass to the helmet.  That’s about a thousand times better than having no fucking logo at all.  
  • Translate all the signs and pre-recorded PA announcements in the stadium into Latin.  Everything’s more intimidating in Latin. 
  • Light a giant fire on top of these arches and keep it from ever going out, like a Chestnut Hill version of the Olympic Flame.  We’ll call it, “the Flutie Fire.”  Whenever the visiting team scores its first touchdown, a life-sized dummy decked out in their uniform will be tossed into the Flutie Fire as they line up to kick the extra point.  The flame will roar violently, and after every subsequent score the opposing team’s kicker will shank the point after attempt out of sheer terror.
  • Change the names on all the defensive players’ jerseys to read “God Forgives, I Don’t”
  • Switch out the water in the Gatorade coolers on the visiting team’s sideline for wine during halftime.  After that, we can all sit back and enjoy the hilarious missed tackles, botched kickoffs and mind-boggling turnovers. 
  • Immediately after the next away game against Notre Dame, steal the Touchdown Jesus, bring him back to Chesnut Hill and roast him in the Flutie Fire.  THAT will get the team some more network coverage.  
  • And if all that still doesn’t bring a BCS bowl appearance to BC, do what the truly successful teams do… cheat, cheat and cheat until the NCAA catches you and buttfucks you so hard you can cheat no more. 
I think I speak for everyone when I say: please, we just need football, we're all going crazy. Seriously. Just about 65 hours to go...

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